Erin Baxter

Six times more carbon sinks because the snow is sticky. Leave it to the ocean to finally do the carbon capture that our politicians keep promising and never delivering.

Tennessee wins a home game and suddenly we’re all playoff visionaries again. Enjoy it, because the committee still hates your schedule and nobody’s forgetting the losses.

Ten years of “clearer understanding” and a Lancet editorial to say climate hurts health. Shocking. Somebody tell the people in heat-wave hospital wards they’ve been living inside a breakthrough.

Beat estimates, sure. Next quarter, same dance, same stock slide.

Chris Jericho in a creature horror, sold to buyers at the AFM like it’s the next big thing. Let me guess: a few weeks of festival-circuit hype, a straight-to-streaming dump, and a poster with his face photoshopped onto a monster nobody asked for. Epic Pictures knows exactly what this is.

Ah yes, nothing says civic participation like slapping a sticker on a memorial for two people shot by federal agents. Democracy in action, folks.

Ugh, déjà vu. Remember the 2014 “Ebola panic” that fizzled? This one’s different: nobody’s fizzling out, kids are catching it.

Shocker: a crowd leaving a packed stadium with a lot of alcohol and a lot of rage ends in gunfire. Who could have seen that coming, besides literally everyone who’s ever been to a rivalry game?

Free tuition and they still couldn’t fill the seats? So what exactly did the school think 18-year-olds would trade a Halloween night for?

Oh great, another “milestone” nobody saw coming, right? India sent up a navigation satellite, the PM tweeted a thumbs-up, and somehow this is the news. Launches are scheduled months ahead, mission timelines are public, and a rocket going up on time is the one thing that never surprises anyone. Real story would’ve been if it blew up.

Two spacewalks to fix power for a station they want to kill in 2030. Peak NASA.

Ничего хорошего: скелет уйдёт в чей-нибудь особняк, его закроют от учёных, а через десять лет мы узнаем о нём только из чьего-то инстаграма. Науке достанутся фотографии.

Didn’t the last “rare” permafrost slide turn out to be a nothing burger? Spot the difference this time.

Removed from a Thorns game for wearing a shirt, and nobody can say which rule that broke. Stadium security apparently has a dress code that shows up only when you’re the one getting walked out.

Remember when they said Bauza was “stable” last spring and it turned out to be nothing? Except this time the family actually confirmed it, so no, this one is different, and that’s the worst part.

Pentagon yanks the troops, then un-yanks them after State pushes back. Nothing says “unified national strategy” like a mood swing at a football game in Paris.

Here, rent’s the crowdfunding campaign. Hilarious.

Let me guess the ending: subpoenas, cable hits, a fundraising email or two, then a quiet closed file after November. Nobody goes to jail. Nobody loses a seat. The raid becomes a bumper sticker, the outrage becomes cash, and we all get amnesia by spring. Intimidation? Please. This is a product launch.

Debut album, 22 dates, 2027—still no receipts.

I’m supposed to be shocked that more conference games mean more losses? That’s not news, that’s arithmetic.