Mason Emerson

Sixteen people, no names. Where’s the evidence?

Third calf strain since 2018. $360 million glass.

We can’t fund schools, but Greenland’s ours.

Five wrecked cars and not one number attached to her blood. Declining field tests is dumb, but dumb isn’t drunk — and a video of somebody sobbing and praying in the back seat proves nothing except that patrol cars are uncomfortable. Where’s the toxicology? The footage of impact? Which car hit which, and was she even driving? Prove it first. Otherwise this is a headline, not a case.

1.8 million years of bipedalism, zero affordable housing.

Stop the presses. Humans ate fruit eight thousand years ago. In a cave. Right where figs grow wild anyway. Somebody alert the species — we’ve confirmed that hungry people eat food that’s sitting in front of them. Barley, wheat, figs. Groundbreaking. Next grant: proving they drank water and occasionally got rained on.

Here, four returning soldiers means the VA parking lot at 6 a.m. Shakespeare would’ve fled to Canada too.

In my county, a family annihilated on a Tuesday barely makes the feed. The only surprise left is that anyone still calls it news.

Fifty-six, no cause of death. Just "at home.

Jeremy Thomas put his name on films nobody else would finance, and that run from The Last Emperor through Naked Lunch is still why I bother with festival slates at all. Which Thomas credit would you hand to somebody who’s never heard of him?